Things that have been said, but should never be said, on a 1st date

Medley: He's pretty cute (referencing someone else, usually the waiter).

Pterodactyl: *speaks in Thai to the waitress* then, "She's cute, no?"

Medley: I'm on a diet (Okay, well i'm just going to go ahead and order this juicy burger and that slice of moist chocolate cake. you can watch me eat it).

Pterodactyl: I just want to cuddle!!! (while jumping on top of someone).

Medley: You're so fucking hot (is there no other way to say this?).

Pterodactyl: I just love your brain. I could pick it all day. (You can't have it. It's mine).

Medley: I hope i get to kiss you later (if you're saying it, you probably won't).

And for the win...

Pterodactyl: Can we use a strap-on together? (said over gchat, before we had actually ever met.).

To Cuddle?

I can barely say the word without thinking of teddy bears and unicorns. It is not a sexy word. Not hot.

I have nothing against “cuddling” in practice. It is the word I think should never be uttered on a first date (let’s use the word ‘date’ loosely). To be specific, I think the phase: “I just want to cuddle!!!” while jumping on top of someone else in a serious manner should be avoided entirely. This is not acceptable ‘first date’ behavior.

So how do you know when cuddling is acceptable? I’m a fairly straight-forward “I like to cuddle until I don’t anymore” kinda person. Very difficult to predict. Since I know this – I will simply tell you. “We don’t need to do this thing they call cuddling anymore.” But what about less direct people?

Bowling: the recipe for a sex-less date

At first glance, one might consider bowling a viable date option. It's an activity that's bound to engage: a defined task coupled with music, drinks, and playful banter. Plus, who doesn't like to bowl? Certainly it makes for a great group activity. And if one were to propose a bowling date, you might think, "well, I always have fun when I go with my friends. It could be fun!" But if you even begin to think the casual competitive flirting will ultimately lead to a rousing night in the sack...

...STOP.

Here's the deal, folks: bowling is a terrible date. And I'm not just referring to that dreaded first date, where a distraction is often craved. Even after you've established an interest, and have succeeded at acquiring a second or third date, I'd be cautious. Let me break it down for you here:

Firstly, the nature of the activity conflicts with any sort of consistent conversation. With only two participants, no consistent dialogue can be maintained. At any given moment, one of those two participants is up to bowl. Short of the occasional comment about your date's tight little apple-behind as he/she bends over, conversation is deduced to the passing moment as the players change. I'm sorry, but I can only make so many ass-comments before it get's excessive.

Additionally, while your partner plays, what are you left to do, twiddle your thumbs? Sure you've got that drink in front of you, but getting too drunk will only hinder your bowling ability (more on that later). Without a group of friends to engage you while you wait for your next turn, you're left to just...well, wait. This date is getting awfully interesting, isn't it?

Not to mention the fact that for whatever reason, even generally non-competitive people are all of a sudden SUPER competitive about bowling. What is it in us that makes us so driven to succeed at rolling a weighted ball against a bunch of white pins? Perhaps it's the phallic nature of the game itself - what with all the balls and lanes and bent asses. Could that explain why our egos are so prone to bruising in the event that our date-turned-opponent hands it to us?Especially since the skill level with your average player wildly inconsistent.

And then, what happens when your date is terrible? Despite admitting that an individual's bowling prowess is in no way correlated to their other skills, there's no denying that we are, as a society, horribly judgmental when bowling. If he/she is bad at bowling, what is that a reflection of? lack of strength? poor hand-eye coordination? worse still...sexual incompetency? Then of course if you lose, well you've just set yourself up for a night full of heckling. And that's just no fun.

So when the evening winds down, and the opportunity to copulate presents itself...is anyone still in the mood? In short, if you're still getting to know someone, DON'T GO BOWLING ON A DATE. Leave if for you and your group of friends...

...or for those long-standing relationships where there's nothing left to talk about.

The Litmus Test

It's a simple question: How do you feel about cruises and safaris?
With a simple answer: You - do not - like either. Not really, at least.

I never knew our world was so full of people who liked cruises and safaris until I started dating. It seemed the whole world was divided into two types of people. Those whose idea of "vacationing" was sitting on a cruise boat. Those who think traveling to "Africa" involves a safari. And - those who can't even articulate the word "cruise" or the word "safari" without throwing up a little. I clearly fit into the latter. And yet, I found myself going on legitimate dates with people in the former category. It would creep into conversation somehow after two or three dates.

As a result, it has become one of the first questions I have learned to ask. Just to get it out of the way. How do you feel about cruises and safaris? I just need to know. Because if you are in the former category. There really is no reason to let this thing go on any longer.

If s/he makes it past level one. I ask the more crucial question.

How do you feel about vuvuzelas? This is usually where things get tricky.